Category Archives: Girls

We’re not those kind of dance moms…

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Did anyone catch this week’s season finale of Dance Moms?   You don’t have to admit it.  I know who you are.  At least some of you.  I don’t think I’ve met a dance mom yet that doesn’t watch Dance Moms.  Sure, there are probably some of you out there who have better things to do on a Tuesday night at 9 then to sit and watch 6 children get verbally abused by a crazed dance teacher who then takes it in turn by the children’s equally disturbed mothers.  But, I will tell you right now, I don’t have anything better to do with my time.  Demonstrated by the fact that at 9 pm on a Tuesday night I am glued to the television.

It’s like that car accident on the side of the road.  You tell yourself, as you’re sitting in backed-up traffic, that you will not glance over as the other people on the road are.  You will maintain some decorum and offer the people who have been unfortunate enough to have had the accident a little privacy, but when the time comes and it’s your turn to drive past, what do you do?  I look.  I can’t help it.  It’s human nature.  Really, how could you not look at this if you were driving past it?

Dance Moms, for me, is the mother of all fender benders.  The first week I watched in horror.  Did people really behave this way?  The second week, I was a little less offended. By the end of season two, nothing shocks me.  I’m used to it.  My skin is so thick, Abby herself could walk into my house, tell me I’m coddling my children, setting them up for failure, tell me to cry in my pillow and I wouldn’t bat an eyelash.

For as much as I like the show and its peak into competition dancing, I feel obliged to set the record straight about dance moms.

I am a dance mom.  My children take dance and one of them competes.  Now, let me state the differences:

1. My children do not spend 5 hours a night, 5 days a week dancing.  That’s a part-time job.  I believe children should not have a part-time job at 9 years old.  Unless, you are an actor and, at the same time you are working, you are getting paid – a lot! I don’t have a problem with a child who is really dedicated to dance spending that much time doing it, unless they have heard the following: see #2.

2. My child’s dance teacher has never told them to cry in a pillow, that their mother didn’t care about them or that second place is for the first loser.

3. I do not argue with the other dance moms.  In fact, I quite enjoy the time I spend with my fellow dance moms, but that is for another blog!

I am not just a dance mom, I’m a dance educator and, for me, Dance Moms has made me really popular among my students.  Why? Their freakin’ grateful that I’m not a psycho bitch who screams at them constantly!  I do have to get a little stern from time to time, but I have never once put them in a pyramid system based on my assessment of their worth as a dancer.  I don’t make one or more of them cry on a regular basis.  Okay, I’ve made a few cry, but that’s just part of the job when you are dealing with hormonal tweens and teens.

I’m a real-life Mary freakin’ Poppins compared to Abby Lee.  But there is a trade-off.  I may not be producing dancers that upon graduation run off where they spend the rest of their dance years performing on Broadway, but I am also not producing stressed-out, panic-ridden, one-step-away-from-needing medication-9 year-olds either.


Well, actually, we did produce one that ran off and danced on Broadway and starred in movies, but that’s besides the point.

Okay, I have to admit that I have been waiting patiently for Maddie to fail.  It’s not right, I know that.  No one should wish malice onto a 9 year-old, but I couldn’t take her saying that she was happy she wasn’t on top of the pyramid because it gave her something to work for.  Pardon me for a minute….sorry I just threw up in my mouth.  Who else wanted to see her get knocked off that pedestal just once?  But once it did happen, it was horrible to watch.  For her to behave like she did when she ran off stage, shows the amount of stress she is under. And for that I am horrified.

You could hear her shrieking, “OH MY GOD! ABBY’S GOING TO HATE ME!” from backstage.  How disturbing??? The first time my child did that would be the last time my child danced for that teacher.  Why subject your children to such torture?  These children are all going to be fabulous dancers why  not find them a teacher that isn’t crazy?

My dance studio produces this:

Happy kids that like to dance.

Now, I know that I am early on in this.  My girls are 7 and under and we don’t dance that much, but I can assure you that in the upcoming years I will not behave as those other Dance Moms.  To keep me on track, I’m depending on Eva. (Whom shall be known, heretofore as The Divine Miss E)  Haven’t heard of her?  You should!  She’s been in the dancing game for as long as I can remember.  First as a dance student, competitive dancer, dance education student in college, dance teacher, and, finally, as a dance mom to two beautiful daughters. She’s got the 411 on everything dance mom related and how to keep us from losing our minds. Check out her blog here….http://realdancemom.blogspot.com/

A few more points to make….First, I am on Team Christi! Is there someone actually on Team Melissa??? Did she actually tell someone trying to give her an engagement present to talk to her lawyer?  Second, why do they show cows every time they show Candy Apples Dance Studio? LMAO…for those of you not privy to teen texting lingo that means Laughing My Ass Off!  Third, I was very upset that Dance Moms was done until June… that was until I stumbled upon Dance Moms: Miami. Oh yeah, bring it on!

Trip of the Month: Coastal Carolina

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I am very fortunate to have wonderful in-laws.  I am very, very fortunate to have wonderful in-laws that live near the beach!  We just got back from visiting my mother-in-law, Diane and my father-in-law, Doug, in Sunset Beach, North Carolina.  About twice a year, I pack up the van and the girls and I head down south for a little r and r with two of my favorite people.  I truly appreciate how wonderful my in-laws are especially because I know many people who can’t stand theirs.

Sunset Beach is a small, coastal town in southern North Carolina.  It’s about an hour south of Wilmington and an hour north of Myrtle Beach.

Maddie had a day off on Friday, so I pulled her out of school the Thursday before and we left early Thursday morning.  I managed to get the girls up, in the car and on the road by 6:15. Let me take a moment to pat myself on the back for that small feat.  My mother-in-law always says I’m adventurous for my willingness to travel far distances with the girls, but I have it easy.  My girls are great travelers.  They always have been.  Why?

1. They’re like camels.  Never have to pee.  We, on average, stop one time for a potty break. Most people say it’s not normal, but I’m the same way!

2. DVD player in the car.  We have a built in dvd  player and that is my saving grace.  Do I feel good about letting them watch 8 hours of movies in one day?  No, of course not.  But it does make the time fly!!

3. They love their grandparents and they love the beach. So, when we can combine the two, they are always up for an adventure.

So, we arrived late Thursday afternoon.  The girls got right to the having fun part and I got right to relaxin’!

Friday morning was warm, but foggy. Despite this weather report, my children decided it was the beach or bust!  So, we headed over the bridge to Sunset Beach.  While most of the limited amount of people on the beach were strolling in appropriate clothing, my children were not.

Yeah…that’s the rockin’ redhead…in her bathing suit….in the water…in March!  She’s crazy!  But I love the determination. She’s so desperate for beach time that she will strip and get into freezing water!  Jane was not about to let Maddie outdo her!

 Jane decided there was no need for a bathing suit when you have perfectly good sweatpants.  Now, usually the beach is a family friendly place to be.  On this particular day, Maddie discovered some sand sculptures.  She thought this certain one was of someone’s eyes and nose.  When I told her what she thought was the nose was actually the belly button, the sculpture came into focus for her and this was her reaction…

Saturday brought rain, but it was actually a nice way to force us to try new things that we’ve been meaning to, but always put off because the weather is so nice.  We headed Saturday afternoon to the Museum of Coastal Carolina.  It’s a cute museum focusing on all things coastal.   We spent the majority of our time at the touch tank.  The kids were fascinated with the live starfish, hermit crabs, and puffer fish.

The we ventured upstairs to hear museum staff person, Allison Smith, talk about nocturnal animals.  Sounds great, right?  We had to dissect an owl pellet!  Do you know what an owl pellet is?  I didn’t either.  Turns out, owls regurgitate the parts of the rodents they don’t eat.  So, they have these pellets disinfected and then you can open up and discover what that owl ate.  Ours had an entire skull in it! Lovely!

The skies cleared on Sunday and we headed back to the beach for some last minute bird feeding, courtesy of Grandpa Doug!

Our last night was filled with pasta making and the girls got into my makeup!

 

Although it was a quick trip, it did a lot to restore my sanity!

Meet my chicken, Parmesan.

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I added six new members to the family Wednesday.  Meet our chickens: Noodle, Parmesan, Delilah, Chiquita, Emma and Blueberry.

My chicken adventure began last Saturday while I was away at the beach with my girlfriend, Rita.  We took Rita’s daughter and three of her friends to Ocean City for her daughter’s 16th birthday.  More on that trip in another blog!  While relaxing on the beach, I received a phone call from Maddie.  Here’s how it went.

Maddie: Mommy, can we get a chick?

Me:  Honey, where are you?

Maddie: I’m at Tractor Supply.

Me: How did you get to Tractor Supply?

Maddie: Daddy.

Me: I see.

Maddie: Can we get one, pleassseeeee??

Okay, so from this conversation I learned two things:  One, Daddy wanted chicks.  That’s why he let the redhead call me from Tractor Supply.  If he didn’t want them, he would have told her no.  He let her call because he already knew the second thing I learned from that phone call - I am a complete pushover! So, I told the redhead that I would think about it.  Four days later, I left Tractor Supply with 6 chicks.

Side note:  I love Tractor Supply.  I love Tractor Supply almost as much as I love Target.  So, heretofore Tractor Supply will be known as The TS.

My original plan was to get full-grown chickens.  I didn’t really want the hassle of caring for little chicks that weren’t going to give me eggs right away.  I also wanted Brahams.  I could have special ordered them from Tractor Supply but I would have needed to place a minimum order of 25 chicks.  Umm…no thanks.  About 19 more than I wanted!  Instead, I got Rhode Island Reds.

This was a good choice for us.  Rhode Island Reds are popular for backyard flocks.  They are good with children unless they are annoyed, but it’s mostly roosters that get annoyed.  They are good egg layers and hardy animals.  They are resistant to illness and are, generally, friendly and docile. Since it will be 4 to 5 months before I get some eggs, I want really good layers. I’ve also heard that they are among the most affectionate of the varieties.  I know…do I really need an affectionate chicken?  No, but  it’s a nice quality to have in a chicken.

I will admit that even though I was hesitant to get chicks, I love them.  They are so fun to watch.  We are already establishing a pecking order with Blueberry in the lead.  Her main method of showing her dominance is to peck the other chickens in the eye.  I should have known the chicken was going to be a little crazy when Jane picked her out.  Birds of a feather flock together.

When I went to bed Wednesday night, I thought to myself that the most bizarre thing to happen that night was the fact that I had 6 chickens in my guest room.  Boy, was I wrong! My Wednesday night got more bizzare.  That’ s another blog for another time…;)

The Tale of Sandy Cheeks

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Once upon a time, I took my daughters to the beach.  And after many days and nights of pleading, I allowed them to do what I swore I wouldn’t…buy a hermit crab.  So, off to the store I went and purchased Spongebob Squarepants the Hermit Crab.  I placed him in his tiny cage and we took him to his new home.   Life was good… until my father-in-law started reading about hermit crab care.  Little did I know that hermit crabs are social creatures; often traveling in packs of 100.  Back to the store I went and emerged with Sandy Cheeks the Hermit Crab.  Life was good…until my father-in-law informed me that hermit crabs actually require huge tanks.  Over a hundred dollars in supplies later and my hermit crabs are living in a luxury  beach house.

It’s been almost 9 months since we first purchased the little devils and I have to admit; I like them.  I find it amusing to smooth the sand out at night and, when morning comes, to see where their travels took them.  Sadly, Spongebob passed away two months ago and was replaced by Laura.

Not mine...but you get the idea.

This past Monday I returned home from a long weekend getaway to find Sandy Cheeks laying, without her shell.  Her lifeless body was perched next to the water bowl.  Suicide by drowning, I thought. My husband, who had been taking care of them while I was gone, swore she was alive when he left for work in the morning.  I’m not sure what happened, but what I did know was that she did not look good.  She was pale and small and not moving. Before I go on, let me say this again…SHE WAS NOT MOVING…AT ALL.  I watched her, on and off, for an hour and there was no movement.

This is what she looked like.  Except deader.

So, my husband called it…time of death 6:45 pm.  Normally, there would have been a big to do for the crab’s funeral. But, I had been away for 4 days, I was tired and grumpy so we put her body in the trash can.  I know, I know…not very dignified.  My husband put her shell by the tank and we went to bed.

Fast forward to Thursday morning.   I had been awake for 21 hours on Wednesday.  I went to bed at 3 and got up at 6 Thursday morning, so to say I was tired, was an understatement.  I made my way out to the kitchen to pour some coffee and feed the dogs.   As I went to check the dogs’ water bowl, I noticed something laying beside it.  From a distance, it looked like a round nugget of poop.  Gross.  My oldest dog poops nuggets.  I grabbed a paper towel to retrieve said nugget when it moved.

I got closer to examine the walking poop when I realized it was Sandy Cheeks!  I stared at the crab for at least 5 minutes before I actually comprehended what I was witnessing.  Could it be?  Could it be Sandy Cheeks?

Ummm….yes, it was.  So, if you haven’t been paying attention thus far, let me sum it up for you….

1. The crab looked dead.

2.  We put the crab’s lifeless body in the trash can in the laundry room.

3. The crab’s empty shell lay next to its aquarium.

4. The crab turns up, back in its shell, by the dogs’ water bowl.

Excuse my language, but are you freakin’ kidding me??

The first obvious assumption is that the crab was not dead.  Duh….it must have been molting, above ground.  My husband and I have tried to piece together the rest and this is what we have decided.  Sandy woke up in the trash can.  Looked around, realized it wasn’t her luxury beach house and hit the road.  She climbed up the 13 gallon kitchen trash bag and threw herself onto the basket of clothing next to the can.  Next, since the door was closed, she must have walked underneath of it to get to the kitchen.  From there, she managed to maneuver herself around the breakfast bar, over to the cabinet which holds her tank and where she stumbled upon her shell.  At which time, she made her way back in, scaled down the cabinet and walked to the water bowl.  Quiet a journey for a tiny crab.

So, to Sandy Cheeks, I say this….I’m sorry.  I thought you were dead. You didn’t move…at all!  How was I supposed to know?  But it could have been worse.  I could have taken the time for a proper burial at which point you would have been buried alive.  So, count your blessings and, from heretofore, you shall be known as…..Wonder Woman the Hermit Crab.

Trip of the Month: Williamsburg, VA

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This is a new feature on A Girl and Her Goat. I actually have trips planned every month until September so I thought, why not share them!  February’s trip was to Williamsburg, Va.  MOMS Club Becky and I decided to take all four kids (two 7 year-old-Justin-Bieber-obsessed girls and two 3 year-old-make-each-other-laugh-hysterically boy and girl).  We had a long weekend with the President’s Day holiday and, with our husbands working, we decided a road trip was necessary.

So, at 7:45 am, we loaded all 4 kids, 6 pieces of luggage, 1 stroller, and 4 bags of junk food into my van and hit the road.  My GPS said it would take approximately 4 hours to get there. It doesn’t know what 4 kids will do the estimated arrival time.  Nonetheless, Becky and I were optimistic as we started our adventure.  About an hour later, everyone decided they were hungry and since road trips seem to negate the theory that cheese balls at 8:30 in the morning is a bad idea, we let them have it.  Belle and Maddie were snuggled in the back eating Cheezits when Bell announced, “This Cheezit on the back of the box is wearing a nipple.”

I spit my coffee out and her mother whipped her head around to see what could possibly have made her seven year-old say such a thing.  Turns out the Baby Swiss Cheezit on the back of the box was sucking on a pacifier…not a nipple.  But lacking the proper word, Belle just told us what she thought it looked like.  My seven year-old has now used the word nipple at least four times since then. Once in front of her grandparents.

Moving on.  Becky must have been up and down in her seat, often at 70 mph on 495, a dozen times. And every time she got up to hand the children something she hit her head on my dvd player.  It’s installed in the ceiling and hangs down for viewing.  I mean every time she got up, despite my saying, “Watch your head.”

About seven hours later, we reached our first destination in Williamsburg…..The Great Wolf Lodge.   We chose the Williamsburg location because the Poconos lodge was going to cost us about $620 a night.  That’s right, $620 a night.  Now, I understand that the price includes admission to the water park, but really?  I could spend a week in Disney for less than that per day.  Because it was so expensive, we decided to stay only one night here and check into a cheaper hotel the next day.  You can start using the water park at 1 pm the day you arrive and you can use it until it closes at 9 pm on the day you check out.   So, as soon as we arrived, we headed to the park.

I have to admit..the water park was awesome!  I was ready to hit the slides myself.  But, the 3 year-old found the baby pool and slides so this is where I remained most of the day. Note to the 40+ American man wearing the Speedo..this is a children’s water park and we are not in Europe.  I was frightened.

 After a few hours at the park, our room was ready.  We were really excited to see our KidKamp Suite which included bunk beds and decorations to make you feel like you were camping.  Here’s what the lodge shows on their website:

Looks spacious, right?  Um…my walk-in closet is bigger.  But, the kids loved it so that is what matters.  unfortunately, we didn’t get a lot of time to do other things in the hotel. So, next year when we go back, we are going to stay a little longer.

Next stop was Colonial Williamsburg.  We checked into the Holiday Inn and were pleasantly surprised when they upgraded us to a two bedroom suite. After the cramped quarters at Great Wolf it was nice to have all that space. Not to mention that at the restaurant kids ate free!  So, Becky and I would drag them down to the restaurant, order some wine and an appetizer and feed the children.

Our plan was to explore Colonial Williamsburg Sunday but the rain thwarted our plan. So instead of learning about history, we took the kids to a bounce house place! I know, we could have done that here, but what else were we going to do with 4 kids on a rainy day.  They had a blast!

While driving around Williamsburg in search of coffee, Becky and I discovered lots of cute little shops that we would love to visit. So, we’ve decided to come back either with our husbands or for a girls’ weekend!  We also discovered Presidents Park.  It is a park with gigantic busts of former presidents.  We tried to find it on our way home but we learned the park has been closed.  Here’s a picture.  It would have been really cool to see up close.

Overall, the trip  was fun and much-needed.  I’m looking forward to returning!

The Weekend Dig Out

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Am I the only one that spends the majority of their Monday digging out from what happened during the weekend?  It seems like I can’t take one day off from the routine tidying of my house or else it looks like a tornado came through.  Why is that?  Yesterday, after church, I decided to do the unthinkable…I took a nap!  I should be ashamed of myself.  How dare I spend two hours on the couch napping when I should have been doing the usual running around cleaning up all the stuff that seems to migrate to the first floor of my house.

In the span of two hours, there were dishes everywhere, jackets lying around, shoes thrown on the floor, toys in the sofa (you read that right…in the sofa, not on. In.)  So, today, like most Mondays, I am going, room-by-room, to try to clean up what was left for me.  This has led me to ask myself three questions:

Question #1. Who is to blame for this mess?

Answer: Me.  Even though I was sleeping, peacefully on the couch, during said mess-making, it is entirely my fault.  Would you like to know why?  Because I clearly have not taught my kids that they should be scared of what will happen to their stuff if not put away.  This is my failure as a parent.  They clearly feel like it’s okay to leave their dirty dishes on the table and their toys in the sofa, and their jackets on the floor.  I’ve not scared them enough.

Question #2. What should I do about this?

Answer:  Throw their stuff away?  I’ve heard of parents doing this.  The kids leave it lying around.  The parents toss it to teach them a lesson.  I’m way too practical to do this.  It would be like throwing money in the trash can.  Can’t do it. Besides, I can’t start tossing out my own dishes or their jackets! Start paying them an allowance to clean up?  HELL NO!  You are not getting paid to clean up your own stuff.  No one pays me.  I’m not paying you.  Yes, if you want to do a job that does not involve cleaning up your own stuff, I will pay you.  Take out the compost.  Fold my laundry.  You will get paid. You will not get paid for putting your own damn toys away.  I saw something cute on Pinterest the other day.  It was called Clutter jail.

Cute, right?  It came from www.imom.com.  She puts the kids toys in a laundry basket when they fail to pick them up.  Then she makes them draw a card from a pile.  On each card is some task that the child has to perform before getting their toy back.  Not a bad idea.  And I might actually try it.  Do you think it would be wrong to include ”paint Mommy’s toenails” or “give Mommy a neck massage” on the cards?  Probably.

Question #3.  How does every other mother deal with cleaning their house?

Answer: You tell me.  I am very curious as to how women clean their homes? All at once? Bit by bit?  Once a week?  Once every two weeks?  When they can no longer find their bed beneath the clothing? I’m talking actual cleaning – sheet changing, toilet scrubbing cleaning.   Also, I thought it would be fun to use this poll thing on the blog!

General Jane

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Report:  Day 5 of Jane-eats-exactly-what-I-make-or-she-doesn’t-eat

I have a tiny, little terror living in my house.  It’s not supernatural, paranormal or ghostly, no….it’s a 3 year-old!  Parents of 3 year-olds know exactly what I’m talking about.  They have the faces of angels and the attitudes of hormonal, out-of-control, 15 year-old teenage girls who date bad boys and give you the finger behind their bedroom door.

I have no doubt that if Jane continues to act like this she will one day be a powerful dictator of some small, third world country.  Okay, most likely, not. She will grow out of this phase and move on to a more lovable, adorable portion of her life.  But until then, Jane thinks she rules the roost.

To demonstrate her dictatorship, she refuses to eat anything that is not some form of baked snack cracker or chicken nuggets.  McDonald’s chicken nuggets.  That’s right…I feed my kids McDonald’s. (crickets chirping)  I think I hear a lot of judgement in that silence.  You can judge me all you want but when your child refuses to eat anything that doesn’t resemble a nugget-shaped piece of chicken, you become desperate. Desperate to feed her.  To nourish her.

I used to be desperate.  Not so much anymore.  I began to realize that Jane was actually committing psychological warfare.  She wanted me to think she would waste away to nothing at my incapable, unfit motherly hands.

Then on day 12 of Jane-would-only-eat-Lucky-Charms-morning-noon-and-night, I came across this gold mine of a website, www.superhealthykids.com.  Love it, love it, love it.  After looking at the recipes and skimming through the pages, I began to feel the cold grip of Jane’s dictatorship loosening from around my neck.  I was going to do this.  I was going to get her to eat healthy.

So, began my project at the beginning of the week.  It has not been an easy journey.  Monday’s attempt at a yogurt parfait got a lukewarm reception.  Jane didn’t understand why her Cheerios were not swimming in milk but laying out on top of yogurt.  She wondered why the yogurt was white instead of the usual blue, pink, orange kind she usually eats and then she asked why in fact she had Cheerios instead of Lucky Charms.

Day 2 and 3 and 4 were not successful either.  She told me the smoothie made her throw up while her older sister looked at me like I was a saint of a mother for giving her a milkshake for breakfast.

But, alas, on Day 5, I’ve had success.  It came in the form of Pumpkin Waffles!

Not only did Jane eat them, she helped make them too!  Here’s the recipe….

  • 1 1/2 cup whole wheat flour
  • 3 tsp baking powder
  • 1/2 tsp baking soda
  • 1 TBL pumpkin pie spice (or 1 tsp each of cinnamon, ginger, and nutmeg)
  • 1/8 tsp salt
  • 2 eggs
  • 1/4 cup brown sugar
  • 1 cup pumpkin puree
  • 1 2/3 cup milk
  • 1/4 cup canola oil

Mix the wet ingredients.  Mix the dry ingredients. Combine wet into dry and enjoy!!

Jane was a happy customer!

Michelle